writing

I'm sort of back in a writing phase. Things are coming to me that seem to be forming into a cohesive story. I don't know if they'll lead anywhere or if they'll just end up a jumble of catchy quotes somewhere on my hard drive or my flash drive. I guess we'll see.

My therapist wants me to work up some sort of interview with Sherman Alexie. I don't think that I can do that. I'm not really the interviewing type and it would be mondo uncomfortable for me. I know that I'm supposed to push my boundaries, but that's sorta exploding them. I know that I can claim a family relationship with him, but I really don't think that I would be comfortable interviewing him, considering I don't ever go over that way. and my native american-ness is sort of only skin deep. They call it living in two worlds, I call it being trapped in two worlds, belonging to neither. I don't know that I live in either, but I know that I'll die in one of them.

Is laying in bed wishing hard that you wouldn't wake up the next morning suicidal?
If you die in your sleep, do you live forever in your dreams?

I think I'm having a rough period right now.

agoraphobia

Why is it that when there's news, I always assume it's bad news? I have a registered letter at the post office. I'm sure it's a nasty letter from the credit union because I'm behind in payments and my insurance has lapsed. I don't know how it lapsed, but it did, and now I'm having a problem because I can't go take a picture of my house. I have to take a couple pictures that show all four sides of my house. I can't bear the thought of going outside of my house for longer than it takes to get to my car. Maybe I'm agoraphobic in addition to the rest of the lovely peck of problems running around in my head. I don't like being outside. I used to enjoy it. I even remember one memorable night, in the rain, on the hood of my car...but that's another tale from another life. One when I actually could spend time outside.

Thinking about it, that's the only time I spend outside, when I'm walking between my car and somewhere else. I wonder what that means.

Pizza

Why is leftover pizza so damned good?

I mean...it's always awesome when it's fresh. You're listening to a woman who hasn't met a pizza she couldn't find some redeeming feature about, but leftover is always good.

It's a good breakfast, lunch, snack, or dinner.

Sadly, my six year old disagrees.

Tiredness

Am I tired because I'm really tired or am I tired of just being where I am. Is it a physical tiredness or an existential exhaustion?

I think it's a combination of both. I don't get enough sleep to make me happy, although I think that my desire for sleep is a function of my depression. I sleep from 5-7 hours a night, and occasionally take naps during the afternoon.

I look around at my house and think that I must be the biggest slob in the world, but then I remember sometimes at my siblings house. I'm definitely not the worst person for cleaning. I'm not the best either. I think that if I could get it done once, I might be able to keep it up, but it hasn't been fully cleaned since I moved in. Things just keep getting shuffled around.

Sometimes I feel like there are gremlins in my house that make messes just for me to find. Then I realize it's just one gremlin, my daughter.

Generality

Today is going to be a beautiful day. I don't feel it, but I can see it. The sky is blue and the sun is shining. I can see and appreciate the beauty of the day, but I don't feel that it's something that's going to improve my day any more than a rainstorm will darken my day. Every day is pretty much a day that somethings going to happen or it's not. Today, I'll go to work, work, and come home. Today's pretty much like any other day. How does that make me feel? rather numb.

Medicine

I've recently applied for disability for severe depression and anxiety. I'm waiting for my first denial, as I've heard they typically deny you at least three times and you must appeal until it's approved.

I'm on a fairly high dose of antidepressant and I'm also taking antipsychotics to help with the anxiety and have an antianxiety med to go along when those two aren't enough. These pills help me maintain a semblance of normalcy. When I take them, I only feel slightly crazy. When I am stupid and miss my meds for a few days, it's like...The Titanic. It's all fun and games until the switch is flipped and I'm streaming tears, screaming, and clawing at my flesh like it's going to make it all better.

My daughter is also on medication for ADHD. She's very active ALL the time. If she's not moving, it means she's asleep, usually. One little pill and she's very calm, cool, collected and obedient.

It really becomes a problem when my pills are wearing off and I forget to give her one. Then I just start wanting to send her off to live in outer Siberia. I've heard the tundra is quite nice in the springtime. I'm sure it would only take her a few months to build a house and have it equipped with satellite TV and internet. She's a crafty lil devil. I think she gets it from her absent father. I'm certainly not that industrious. I'm much more lackadaisical. Probably why I keep getting those damned late notices. I think the only thing I won't be late for is the time of my death. I probably won't be able to put that one off.

Anyway, my meds are holding and I'm just waiting for her little pill to kick in.